


Various One Piece Drabbles

by Maldoror_Chant



Series: Mal's Collected Drabbles [3]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 14:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12706812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maldoror_Chant/pseuds/Maldoror_Chant
Summary: Various 300 word drabbles written for OnePieceYaoi100.





	1. THIS Reputation We Did Not Need

**Author's Note:**

> I am not putting warnings on any of these. Some can get very dark (no NCS or anything icky, but mentions of death etc). Most are only funny however.
> 
> Most of these are genfic or have only faint in-passing mentions of pairings. There are a few Luffy/Usopp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Topic: Streak! 
> 
> Faint SanZo
> 
> Because I am _not_ the only one who thought, there is NO WAY Chopper's pants could stretch that much when he went into Monster!Deer form. Oda-sensei air-brushed in the pants later, I'm sure, but I'm also sure that poor Chopper-kun was mortified. Fortunately he's always got his crew to help him get over any residual embarrassment.

Nami woke to Sanji hammering on her cabin door and shouting "Nami-san, Robin-chan, whatever you do, _don't come out_ this morning!" before running away. 

"It's going to be another one of those days," Nami informed the ceiling.

Robin used her powers to reconnoitre outside and looked utterly mystified. She laughed for ten whole minutes but refused to tell Nami why, so the latter finally went to investigate.

Franky was doing carpentry on deck. Naked. Usopp and Chopper were fishing. Naked. Luffy was putting bait on a hook. Naked. That is, Luffy was naked. Not the bait. The bait was naked too of course but- Nami slapped herself in the forehead to get her thought processes in forward gear again.

"Mornin', sis."

"What. The. Hell."

"Oh yeah. It's about Chopper losing his pants when he transformed on Enies Lobby. It bugged him." Franky shrugged like he couldn’t figure out why, the lewd, streaking perv.

But Nami, who'd seen Chopper struggle with his identity (Animal? Human? Both?) understood immediately...

"Animals don't mind being bare-butt, neither do real men on warm and sunny occasions, so why should the hunky Captain Usopp?!" Usopp exclaimed, bravely defying his red face. "Why, I once ran the length of Syrup-"

"Look what I can do with my willy!"

Franky and Nami both looked away from what Luffy could do with his willy.

Chopper's laugh was like silver. "Oh, what about Nami and Robin?" he added.

Nami saw the future and it was naked. "Where's Sanji-kun?" she asked in resigned self-preservation.

"Zoro ran into cook-bro wearing nothing but an apron- oh, that reminds me, don't go into the galley, 'kay?"

"Right. I just hope the Marines don't chose today to attack. _This_ reputation we don't need," sighed Nami, hooking the edges of her t-shirt and pulling up.


	2. Sailor's Knot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Topic: Knots
> 
> Faint SanZo
> 
> Timeline: Right after Chopper's recruitment, on their way to the Alabasta arc.

"This loop of rope is your anchor. Pay attention; nobody can tie knots like Captain Usopp! Put your second line across it, twist it around and then into the loop-"

Their newest nakama made a panicked noise as he tried to follow. Hooves weren't ideal for tying rope. 

"Then you do a half-hitch and you're done!"

"That's amazing!" 

Usopp wondered if he'd ever tire of that reaction. Probably not. 

Then the big brown eyes lost some of their shine. "You're all so good. Beating Walpol and all. You're _pirates_...and I've never even set foot on a boat before."

Usopp stared at the furry head, then glanced around. Sanji and Zoro were fighting again- and it wasn't even an act, though Usopp knew full well what those two got up to in the hold afterwards. Luffy was laughing his head off instead of breaking them up for Merry's sake. Karoo was drunk and occasionally getting stepped on. Vivi was trying to - politely! - remind them of the dangers on these seas. Nami was charging over, determined fists clenched...which begged the question of who was at the helm. And Captain Usopp was busy impressing their doctor with skills he'd learned from books and only ever used in his imagination. 

Chopper had been on board twenty-four hours, and instead of laughing hysterically and then demanding to be set back on shore, he was depressed over his lack of nautical experience.

Usopp pointed at the ropes in Chopper's lap. "Yeah? Well, you just tied your first sailor's knot. Goes off in all directions and doesn't look like much, but it's one of the strongest knots there is, and you can trust it to hold fast in all weathers. And Chopper? Don't worry about lack of experience. Something tells me you'll fit right in..."


	3. A Bright Sunny Morning in a Marketplace Somewhere On The Grand Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Haunting
> 
> No pairings.  
> Timeline: After Raftel, divergent timeline from before Thriller Bark (aka, no Brook)
> 
> Skip this one if you're at all sensitive.

"Thanks, Mister!" Luffy said through his first huge bite.

"Oy, slow down, you'll choke," Sanji muttered indulgently.

Nami stopped talking with Robin and looked around sharply. "Luffy! Who's going to pay for that?"

"The mister gave it to me," Luffy answered, mouth full.

"Right," said the meatpie vendor after a few seconds.

"Aren't you past the money-grubbing reflexes yet?" Zoro drawled, catching up to them on the tail-end of the conversation. He'd been examining the local weaponsmith's display.

"That's right, Nami." Luffy licked his fingers. "Now we've found the One Piece, we're rich!"

"It's not the price of a measly pie, it's the principle. Sanji could have baked a better one for cheaper."

"Yes Nami-Swaaaaan!"

Usopp tugged at Luffy's hand, the one that wasn't full of pie. "Come on! I want to check out the sharpshooter lenses they make here."

"And then the bookstore? Please?"

"Sure, Chopper." Luffy finished the four pound meatpie in one bite. "Any other shops you guys wanna see?"

"Clothes," said Nami, a bit wistfully.

"I wonder what spices they have here," Sanji mused.

"Tools!" said Franky, with a huge thumbs-up. "And while we're at it-"

Luffy laughed. "Let's go, then!" He followed his nakama with one last cheerful wave at the vendor.

 

The vendor's assistant stuck his head out the door to follow the figure meandering down the street. "Who was _that_?"

"The Pirate King, he said." The vendor's faint undertone of sympathy forestalled the assistant's laughter.

"Is that what he said? Riiiiiiiiight. He's a good deal thinner and scruffier than I'd imagine he'd be, ha ha. Right? Um...you gave him a pie?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Well, you're the boss. But who the hell was he talking to?"

"Nobody," said the vendor, then he shook himself and went to restock his merchandise.


	4. Sense Deprivation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Senses  
>  Genfic  
> Timeline and spoilers for Davy Back Fight.

Luffy figured it was called a knock-out because it felt like he'd been blown clean off the planet. He was floating about in the clouds; soft, fuzzy, pain-free clouds. It was actually kinda fun; Luffy wondered if this was what swimming felt like. He would have liked to enjoy it for a bit longer than a few seconds, but the stakes were too high. He had too much to lose.

Nami's scent, like tangerines.

The taste of Sanji's cooking.

Robin's calm common sense and level head.

Chopper's attentive look as he applied bandages over silly little injuries.

Usopp's grand tales of how he'd become a Great Warrior of the Sea tomorrow, just you wait and see.

The grip of Zoro's hand as he hauled Luffy back out of the water and put a rough arm around his captain's shoulders while the latter coughed up half the ocean.

And not to forget the Going Merry's Jolly Roger, their ship's sense of pride! He couldn't risk that.

That split-haired foxy-pirate moron, with his Davy Back fight, wanted to take one of Luffy's crew away from him. There was no way Luffy was going to take that lying down. The Straw Hat's captain would rather be bunged into a barrel and tossed into the deep, dark silent ocean, thank you very much.

Luffy forced his way back into a world of hurt and stood up again. And again. And again.


	5. Masquerade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Pretend  
>  LuSopp  
> Spoilers: For the Water 7 arc; this is situated right after they all get back to Water 7 after Enies Lobby and before they leave again (written way-back-when before it that Sogeking situation was resolved)

Sogeking struck a solitary yet heroic pose against the evening skyline. The mask made it easy; he had the ferocity of a lion behind its mystery.

"Luffy misses you."

Usopp yelped and spun around. Zoro was settling down nearby for a rooftop nap.

"Wh-what? Zoro-kun, why would your captain miss Sogeking?"

Zoro's tired eyes narrowed. But then he said, through what sounded like clenched teeth: "Right. Sogeking. Sorry. Trick of the light. Took you for Usopp. Feh." 

Another clever escape! Usopp adjusted the fake face - but real words tumbled out. "Luffy won't miss a weak coward like Usopp."

A harsh snort. "That long-nosed idiot dueled Luffy. That's not cowardly; just plain nuts. But yeah, he is pretty puny."

Another benefit of the mask was that it hid confused wounded expressions. 

Zoro yawned. “If Usopp comes back, you should teach him your techniques. You're a damn good sniper, Sogeking. With you, he'll improve tenfold."

"Y-you really mean that?"

Zoro gave him a heavy 'when do I not say _exactly_ what I mean?' look.

Sogeking swallowed hard and faced the sunset. "But Usopp fought the captain...Luffy won't want him back." Not after Usopp had slashed both their hearts to shreds.

"Bah. Those two fought because they were hurt and angry about Merry's fate. Usopp's a dumbass, but his nakama care enough about his pride to pretend we don't recognize him wearing, say, a stupid mask while he's helping us. Luffy's actually _convinced_ himself he doesn’t recognize the guy he misses so much, 'cause Luffy can't pretend worth a damn. Go away now, Usopp. I'm trying to sleep here." 

Zoro and naps shouldn't be kept apart, so Usopp eclipsed himself. Around the corner, he removed and examined the mask, and hoped that real, unconcealed courage could one day measure up to faith.


	6. Eloquence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Mercy  
>  LuSopp  
> Spoilers for end of Water 7/Enies Lobby arc. Plus, deepest, most heartfelt apologies to the Bard. Seriously, Shakespeare, I am so, so sorry...

Sanji stepped over the broken heart-shaped cake mould and advanced murderously on Luffy. Nami, lamenting her lack of dessert, wasn't helping; neither was Luffy's "Oops, sorry, hey, where's the food?" The demise of Usopp's boyfriend was imminent. No! He'd just gotten Luffy back, after all those masks and miseries!

Jumping between Sanji and Luffy was incredibly brave in retrospect...and incredibly stupid in the immediate. Sanji had stomped that CP9 Zoan into wolf-jam, what the hell could Usopp do-

"- _do what I can't do._ "

"Ah, Sanji-" Sanji's deadly leg shot up, about to fall like an indiscriminate five-ton hammer on both young men. "Eek! Please consider the quality of mercy! It's never strained! It falls like gentle rain!"

Sanji paused. "Huh?"

Usopp was also going 'Huh?' as his brain caught up with his panicked words. But a good liar never showed hesitation. Usopp excelled at spinning sentences, and at running away, too, which might come in handy in a minute. 

Sanji scowled, momentarily distracted from the pending kick. "Mercy? _Rain_? What drivel-"

"It's true! Mercy is forgiving idiots who made you angry, since anger is heated, and heat rises and causes condensation when it reaches cool-headed regions, and then mercy precipitates to wash anger away, which is how mercy resembles a meteorological phenomena _isn't that right Nami_?"

A chortling Nami caught the cue and gave him a radiant smile (billable later). "Oh, sure. And a round cake will taste just as good, Sanji-kun."

"Yes Nami-swaaaaaan!"

Another valiant victory. I'm good, thought Usopp. Just call me-

The hand that landed on his still quaking shoulder made him yelp, before Luffy's sunny grin struck him speechless.

"Wow, Usopp, that was brilliant!"

Usopp blushed and spluttered (and decided to ignore the amused snorts from his other nakama). 

Just call him Captain Usopp, Master of Eloquence.


	7. Bad Guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Villains  
>  Genfic

The tomato aimed at his face was pretty conclusive evidence of the islander's feelings towards the Marines. Smoker turned his head to let the vegetable whiz by. It continued along its trajectory and missed Tashigi's glasses by an inch.

The crowd flinched and returned Smoker's look with silent fear and hostility- except for a small child near the front who shouted "Leave Strawhat-neechan alone, you meanie!" before his mother snatched him away.

"Sir-"

"I know."

The Straw Hats, notorious pirates with an astronomical collective bounty, had arrived in this town a week beforehand. They'd terrorized nothing more than a restaurant and destroyed nothing more expensive than a table (the cook and the swordsman had brawled, according to reports). Oh, and they'd taken the time to kick out the military commander the World Government had assigned to this island, who'd been tyrannizing the population and bleeding it dry with unfair and illegal taxes. 

It didn't matter.

It didn't matter that the pirates had done something right by happenstance. It didn't matter that Smoker would have done the same thing if he'd reached the island first -or at least he'd have arrested the bastard in command here, and sent him back to Mariejoie where his politician cronies would have undoubtedly weaseled him out of the charges. But that didn't matter either. It certainly didn't seem to matter to the crowd.

"Sir, when did _we_ become the bad guys?" Tashigi asked plaintively.

"Come on. The pirates have already left. If we sail now, we can still catch them." The world might have turned on its head, but the path ahead was still straight. Smoker knew right from wrong. He knew who the bad guys were. Nothing else mattered.

Another vegetable flew at them as they left. Smoker didn't begrudge them the gesture.


	8. Courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Mask  
>  LuSopp  
> Timeline: Right after Thriller Bark

Their new musician was monopolizing the crew's attention, but nothing could distract Luffy from food. He was alone in the galley, polishing off leftovers while his head nodded in time with the music outside. It was now or never. Usopp drew himself to his full height, then another inch for luck.

"Hey, Luffy-"

Luffy looked up and that's where The Great Sharpshooter Usopp's Clever Plan To Seduce Luffy #7 (which Usopp had settled on) and #15 (the fallback) collided in his mind and started arguing over which was the best approach after all. 

The subsequent wave of panic jolted Usopp into a spastic movement that ended with his finger pointing somewhere near the fish tank. "Look over there!"

Luffy's head snapped around with a twang. "What? What?!" 

Usopp's fingers found a hard edge in his satchel-

Luffy leapt up and ran over to the tank. "What?!!"

The cape swept dramatically across his body. Usopp's vision narrowed to thin slits that blocked out scary sights and made goals clear.

"What did you see, Uso- Sogeking? Wow, when did you get here?!"

"Oh, I was on Thriller Bark, looking to defeat those zombies myself," said a calm, confident voice. "Say, Luffy-" do you know your Super-sniper, Usopp, rather has a thing for you? was what Usopp meant to say.

But then the voice in his head, which sounded a bit like his father's and a bit like Usopp's own, said dryly: _Sorry, kid. I'll help you face your enemies, but not your would-be boyfriend. Get a grip._

And then there was nothing there but Usopp in a mask. 

It took five refrains of 'Sniper Island' to shake Luffy off before Usopp could go hide in his cabin, remove the mask and try to scrape his courage together in other, more mundane ways.


	9. Heir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Kids  
>  Ben/Shanks

There were a surprising number of one-armed-man jokes, and by his third week as an amputee, Shanks had made them all. Only at night, with Ben the solitary witness, did the indomitable grin wane wistful...But Shanks regretted nothing and Ben was resignedly getting there as well. It was inevitable, really. If Shanks wasn't the kind of man who could give a limb to rescue a friend, he wouldn't be a great explorer and pirate lord in the first place, and he wouldn't be the man Ben shared his life and dreams with.

"Luffy will do it," Shanks said out of the blue, as if following Ben's thoughts. His words were for his first mate alone, too low to be overheard over the bustle of ship's duties around them. "That kid will sail all the way to Raftel for us. If we can't make it that far, our heir will..."

"Spiritual successor," Ben corrected out of academic habit. "Heir usually implies blood ties."

At those words, Shanks looked perturbed, even troubled. Freewheeling Red Haired Shanks... _troubled_? "Ben...I thought you knew."

"Knew what?" Ben asked around his forgotten cigarette, perplexed and a bit alarmed. 

"That Luffy is-...Isn't it obvious? He's eight, born a year after we hooked up, and he's clearly inherited my handsome features and guts, as well as your dark coloring and doggedness - don't you get it, man? He's the lovechild I bore in secret and put up for adoption to avoid the dangers- shit, Ben, you okay?" 

Ben was not okay. 

Once Shanks and Yassop helped him hork up the cigarette, three things were immediately established. One, his chortling nakama were going to develop collective amnesia about this, or else. Two, Shanks was never going to make that joke again, ever. Three, Ben was switching to pipes...


	10. Concord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Bridges  
>  SmoAce  
> TIMELINE: Some time after the end of the series when Luffy whipped everybody's butt until they promised to behave and not have wars or hurt little girls and puppies anymore. (Written way back before the timeskip even happened, naturally)

The island where Government, pirates and free nations diplomatically resolved their conflicts was named Concord, rather than 'Island of Eternal Backbiting'. That, thought Smoker, was the first mistake.

The second was to make him Commander in Chief of the fleet stationed there.

He'd objected strenuously and at length, but according to some twisted logic this made him the best, most disinterested choice. Apparently 'disinterested' meant 'wanting to arrest everybody on Concord up to and including the weaselly politicians from his own party'. Go figure. 

"But that's just it," Garp had told a fuming Smoker, "you hate them all _equally_. Nobody likes you much either, except my grandsons, but everybody agrees you're fair. They trust you like that. You're a bridge between all these factions."

Smoker had lost the argument at 'grandsons' and knew it. Garp had him but good.

So Smoker patrolled the border to the New World, and when Tashigi nagged him enough he'd stop at Concord and deal with vile criminals- or worse, lawyers- pirates, politicians, a grinning Luffy who insisted on being _friendly_ and to cap it all off he'd find something like _this_ on his desk.

'Hey old man,' the missive read, 'I'll be landing on the 20th. Be ready!' 

Not 'be ready to arrest me', no. Commander Portgas D Ace, Smoker's counterpart for the pirate nations, meant 'be ready to greet me, preferably naked in bed with a rose between your teeth'. And Smoker would do it. Not the rose of course, but he'd be ready to get _really mad_ at Portgas when the latter landed, then he'd let Portgas defuse that anger the way they knew best, because it made this posting almost bearable...

"I'm a bridge," muttered Smoker, "that's why it feels like everybody's walking all over me." Then he reached for his calendar.


	11. Introductions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Introductions  
>  SmoAce  
> Timeline: Before timeskip

There was The Lover on one side, the Best Friend on the other. Two people who'd never met but who knew each other's importance in Smoker's life (a begrudged importance as far as Smoker was concerned, since the Best Friend gave him ulcerating advice at length and the Lover was going to get him demoted and possibly hanged to boot). 

Two people who, in a perfect world, would never have accidentally bumped into each other in the courtyard of a seedy tavern while Smoker was present.

"Heeeeey, I know who you are." The grin would have been charming if it hadn't been a match for the one on his bounty posters. "We never met, but I hear a lot about you from Smoker. No worries, I filter out most of it."

"So this is your pet pirate, Smoker." Sardonic eyes raked the subject over, pausing over the extended hand for a moment. "Hina doesn't like him."

"Maa, Auntie, I'm not so bad."

"Auntie..." The word dropped from perfect lips, edged down the cigarette holder and crept away to die.

"The old man puts up with me, after all, and he's damn inflexible even by the standard of you tight-laced Navy types."

"Hina has changed her mind. Hina _really_ doesn't like him."

An unworthy part of Smoker wondered who'd actually win this throw-down, but his duty as a Marines was to lay down his life to protect the peace and the innocent, a.k.a everyone else in this town, so he squared away his cigars and stepped in. If Hina caged him by accident just as Ace tried to flambé her, Smoker was looking at a crispy end to his career, but as things were shaping up, that might not be the worst possible outcome to this afternoon.


	12. Elastic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For jame_alec, UsoppxLuffy, prompt: anything sexual!

Luffy was strong. The smoking remnants of the World Government's stronghold could attest to that. Luffy had drive, determination, he had stamina that had out-endured a god, he could bend in all sorts of interesting directions and do amazing things with that rubber body of his, and he'd _really, really_ missed Usopp, dammit. 

Usopp stared at the brand-new ceiling of the Thousand Sunny and made sure, for the third time that night, that he was indeed still alive. 

"Hmmmm..." Luffy uncurled himself from his impossible tangle of limbs, yawned widely, and then his eyes popped open with an enthusiastic 'plink!' that could be heard all over the ship. "Want to do that last thing again?!"

Yup, still alive, but probably not for long.


End file.
